Oh God! Help me deal with everything that is happening! I know this baby is Yours more than it is mine, and I give it up to You!! Please give me the strength to deal with whatever You have planned!
I have been admitted to Holland Hospital because of PROM (that's the medical term for broken water - Premature Rupture Of Membranes). Dr. Siegers, my obstetrician, was here and went over my ultrasound report with Mark and me. I lost a lot of my amniotic fluid. He said there isn't much left anymore.
The baby is alive - for now. Dr. Siegers said it may only be a matter of hours before I go into labor and deliver the baby. He said labor usually begins within 48 hours of the membranes rupturing (I'm already past that). I'm also at high risk for an infection. Uterine infections are the main reason labor begins after PROM. When labor starts, I won't be given anything to stop the contractions because of the infection risk. I'm not even five months along! I'm only 22 weeks pregnant!! I told Dr. Siegers that I want everything done to save our baby. He's going to call Butterworth Hospital in Grand Rapids. They have a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). He warned Mark and me the baby won't have a good chance of survivng if it is born this early.
After Dr. Siegers talked with us, Mark started crying. I've never seen him cry like that before. In fact, crying really doesn't describe it correctly, he was sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so helpless. Why, God? Why are You doing this to us? We held onto each other. Mark's whole body shook with his sobs. I love him so much! I hate for this to happen. I'm so upset and confused. I want to hold onto hope that God will perform a miracle and everything will be fine. I don't want to give up faith in God, but this sure looks hopeless.
Dr. Siegers came and talked with Mark and me after he spoke to Butterworth Hospital. He told them my history, and they informed him they won't do anything to save the baby if it is born before 23 weeks gestation! To make matters worse, our baby will be born alive! I can't handle this!! I don't want to watch our baby die!! Will it struggle and fight? Will it hurt? Please God! Don't let me deliver until after 23 weeks gestation! Let me stay pregnant at least one more week! Please!!! Dr. Siegers said I have less than a 50% chance of my pregnancy continuing until the baby is viable.
Mark went home for some of my things and to get Jessi packed up. She's going to spend the night at Kim and Greg's house. I don't know what kind of arrangements we're gong to make for her yet. I don't know what's going to happen.
I made it through the night without going into labor. I haven't had anymore leaking either. Only God knows how much longer my pregnancy will last.
Dr. Siegers was in this morning and went over everything with me again. I'm on complete bedrest with bathroom privileges. He won't even let me get up to take a shower or wash my hair! He doesn't want me doing anything that might cause me to go into labor (even though he also said my pregnancy is in God's hands and I can't do anything to change it either way). Dr. Siegers said something so sweet. He was trying to comfort me and told me, "Think of how much you love this baby already. God loves it more than you ever can, and He takes care of the things He loves." That is so true!! God will take care of this baby. All of this is part of His plan, not mine.
Kim, from church, stopped by. She wanted to make long-term arrangements for Jessi's care. She and Greg have offered to let Jessi move in with them until I can take care of her again! I have a hard time with their offer. I told Kim this could go on until my due date in March (I don't think it will, but there's always a chance), and she said it didn't bother her. Kim wants to give Jessi as much stability as possible, and the best way to do that is having her stay in one place. She's going to get confused if she is shipped from one house to another. It's hard to accept someone being so giving and kind - especially when we aren't even related. Mark and I are going to accept their offer, though. It's in Jessi's best interest. Besides, she has stayed at their house before and fits in well with their three girls (she even calls Greg "Grampa Greg").
Pastor Larry and Pastor Jonathan were in to visit with Mark and me this morning, too. We explained everything Dr. Siegers told us, including the fact that our baby is probably going to die. We talked a little bit about a funeral/memorial service. This is not what I planned for my baby's future! Parents shouldn't have to plan a funeral service for their child. It just isn't right! But, if I have to plan a funeral for one of my children, I'd rather have it be for a baby I've never met instead of a child I've gotten to know. It would be a lot harder if the funeral was for Jessi. I can't even imagine! The only thing I question God about is if He always planned on this baby dying, why wasn't it dead on my first ultrasound? Now I've had a chance to feel the baby move. It would've been a lot easier to deal with a miscarriage rather than watching our baby die!
We don't want an actual funeral or visitation at a funeral home. We really don't even want a burial. We know our baby will be in heaven, not in the tiny body I deliver. I have a hard time with our baby's body being thrown out with "medical waste", but then again, none of this is easy. We will probably have a private memorial service with immediate family and a few clcose friends. Pastor Larry told us that is what he's done other times. It's comforting to know he has dealt with a situation like this before..
Pastor Larry said a prayer before he and Pastor Jonathan left, and words cannot describe the feeling it gave me. As Pastor Larry was praying, a calm and peaceful feeling came over me. It washed over me and I felt at peace with what is happening, almost like God was wrapping His arms around me and comforting me. Mark felt it, too. It's like the Holy Spirit descended upon my hospital room! It was an awesome feeling! God is here with me, every step of the way. He won't abandon me or leave me to deal with this alone.
p.m.
God is truly amazing! Mark and I are experiencing His wonderful love through our family and friends.
My Mom came for a visit after she got out of work. We had a long talk about my current situation, and how similar it is to what she went through when she was pregnant with my brother, Dan. Her water broke at seven months along (32 weeks gestation), and he was born two weeks later. His lungs weren't the greatest, and it was a rough time for my Mom. This has to bring up a lot of emotions for her. She also remembers how hard it was being away from me while she was in the hospital. I can relate! It's so hard thinking about someone else taking care of Jessi. Kim and Greg are wonderful with her, but I want to be the one kissing her goodnight and hearing her prayers. The only thing that makes this easier, as far as Jessi is concerned, is she is so young that she probably won't remember it. I don't remember any of the stuff with Dan, and I was older than Jessi is.
My Dad and Cheryl came up as well. This is so awkward. I'm not used to being the person everyone is concerned about. It was neat to hear my Dad talk about God, though. I really worry about his spiritual health. It was good to hear him agree that God is in control of the situation. He even said he would pray for us!
I feel really bad for Mark's parents, too. (I feel bad for everyone involved with this, it affects more than just Mark and me) His parents are having a real hard time. I wonder if this brings up memories and pains from when their son, Ron, died. I pray God will give them the peace they need to get through this. Mark's Mom said she would take care of the housework and laundry for him. I'm relieved. It's one less thing for Mark to worry about.
Heidi brought us a beautiful plaque. It has an eagle on it and says, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles. Isaiah 40:31" How true that is! We are leaning completely on God to get us through this. I can't imagine how people get through things like this without faith. My faith in God tells me that if our baby dies, I will be together with it again someday in heaven. That is such a comfort.
Pastor Larry stopped by again this afternoon. He had to get out of his office because the answering machine for the prayer line was constantly going off! He couldn't concentrate. Praise God that so many people are praying for us!! While he was here, Kim brought Jessi for her first visit. It's so hard watching her deal with this. Her entire life has been turned upside-down in a matter of one day! She crawled up on my bed and sat by me for a while. Then she had to go potty and had a hard time accepting the fact that Kim had to help her and Mommy couldn't. She cried and kicked and cried some more. It broke my heart! She was even worse when it was time to leave. She didn't understand why I couldn't to with her. Pastor Larry tried to distract her, but Kim ended up taking her out crying. My poor pumpkin! God, help Jessi through our separation. Comfort her during the next few days and weeks while we are apart.
I haven't had any leaking since I was admitted! I'm praying God will seal my leak and bring my amniotic fluid level back up to normal. Dr. Siegers told me about another patient he had with PROM. She started leaking after an amniocentesis at 19 weeks gestation. She was on complete bedrest until she was 29 weeks gestation, and then her leak sealed over. She even got to resume a normal life until her baby was born a week after her due date. Anything is possible with God! I'm not giving up on this pregnancy yet. I don't know if I'll stop leaking, or if I'll spend the rest of my pregnancy in the hospital, but I don't have any bad feelings about this. I have a "feeling" everything will be all right.
I remember when I had my first ultrasound at eight weeks gestation, after I started bleeding and cramping. When I saw that the baby was still alive, I told Mark I was willing to fight for this baby and the pregnancy. God is holding me to that. At the same time, I am holding onto the "voice" I heard that day. It was both a voice and a feeling I had. I heard a voice tell me everything would be all right! Now I know it was God talking to me! What an awesome feeling to know I have heard the voice of God! You have been with Mark and me from the beginning of this pregnancy. Continue to watch over us as we deal with whatever You have planned for this baby's future. Give us the strength we need to face each day.
I walked most of the way to the NICU this morning and tried to memorize the sights and sounds of the NICU. I want to remember as many details as I can (as if I could forget any of it). I want Becky to know what her first "home" was like. The walk from OB/Special Care to the NICU is full of many twists and turns. The worst part is going through the post-partum ward. It's like being stabbed with a knife when I see the full-term babies being wheeled to their mothers' rooms while my baby is on a completely different floor from me. It's not fair!
Once I get to the NICU, I need to scrub in. Then I stop at the reception desk to see if I'm allowed in Becky's room. I have to ask permission to see my own daughter! Becky is in nursery five, the middle bed on the right. There is room for six beds in her nursery. Right now, there are four other patients besides Becky.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to all the equipment surrounding Becky. It's unfamiliar and scary. Becky is in an isolette with her venilators (vents) next to her. Both of them have numbers and dials all over them that I don't understand. The conventional vent makes a hissing sound with each breath is gives our little girl. The jet-vent is even worse! It's so loud and noisy. I hate it!! The noise reminds me of Mark's air-compressor in the garage. That's a noise used on tires and stuff, not for a baby. Not on my daughter! The noise of both vents are a constant reminder of sick Becky really is. The most haunting sound, though, is the silence. Silence from Becky. She doesn't cry or whimper or fuss. She can't. She has an endotracheal tube (ET-tube) going down her throat and between her vocal cords. Becky moves around, she kicks and stretches her arms and legs. She even pulls faces that look like she's crying, but without any noise. I'm anxious for the day when she can cry. Most parents want their children to stop crying - I wish I could hear my baby cry and cry and cry.
There are three IV pumps connected to Becky's bed giving her fluids and nutrients. Hanging from the ceiling, next to her isolette, is the monitor. It keeps track of heartrate, respiratory rate, blood pressure and oxygen saturation. It has many alarms on it, and it seems like one of them is constantly going off - alerting the nurses to every possible danger to Becky's life. On the counter behind her isolette is an ambu-bag to resuscitate her if she "crashes". There is also a suction canister with mucous they have suctioned from her lungs on the bottom of it. Under the counter is a medicine cart filled with all the necessities needed for Becky's care.
All the tubes and wires covering Becky's tiny body are worse than the equipment. She has an ET-tube going up her nose and into her lungs. It is connected to her vents. The ET-tube is held in place with tape that covers most of Becky's cheeks and all of her nose. On her chest are three electrodes to monitor her heart and a larger electrode to keep track of her body temperature. Her foot is covered by a probe for oxygen saturations. Becky is lucky, at this point she doesn't have any IV's other than the two in her umbilical cord. One is in the vein (UVC - umbilical venous catheter) and is used to give her medications, fluids and nutrients. The other line is in an artery (UAC - umbilical arterial catheter) and is where the nurses get blood samples for lab tests and ABG's. The UAC is also used for monitoring her blood pressure more accurately.
Once I get past all the wires, tubes and equipment, I get to Becky. She is laying on top of a doll-sized diaper. She isn't wearing it because it's too big for her (folded in half, it still comes up to her armpits). There are no appropriate words to describe Becky. She is perfect and beautiful and extremely tiny and fragile looking. Her arms are the size of my index finder, and her legs are the size of Mark's index finger. She is slightly longer than a ruler, and her head is smaller than a tennis ball. When I "hold" her, my hand completely covers her head and back. Her face is the most angelic thing I have ever seen. It is so tiny - with a forehead that is only two inches across!
Becky is truly a miracle. I am amazed and humbled by this tiny creature God has made. She is perfectly formed from the hair on her head to the miniscule toenails on her feet. She even has eyelashes! She looks like a miniature version of a full-term baby. The only difference I have notice so far are her ears - they are completely flat without the folds or ridges. She's not "old" enough for those to have formed. Not many parents get to watch their child finish developing. Mark and I have the privilege of watching God as He puts the finishing touches on this masterpiece He has blessed us with. I don't know why You chose Mark and me. I don't understand. Help me to trust You and not question "why".